Dear Zahara Jolie-Pitt

Can you believe Zahara Jolie-Pitt (world’s most amazing adopted daughter of celebrities/future fashion icon and possible host of Project Runway) is 4 years old already? She looks fantastic! I swear, that girl just does not age. She’s a stunner like her mommy. Speaking of not aging and Angelina Jolie: Brad Pitt? What is this guy’s deal? He’s the same age as Clint Eastwood and looks like the captain of a high school lacrosse team. He has an crow’s foot. Zach Efron’s looking at pictures of this dude and going, Damn, I gotta get my shit together. Also, note to self: tell the world to stop stealing my bangs. Seriously. I think that Benjamin Button movie was actually an infomercial.

Anyway, ZJP! I’m obsessed. Here’s who I think she’ll look like when she gets older:

And how amazing is Iman? Another ageless Somalian lovely. And her husband, David Bowie? I think that guy signed the Declaration of Independence and is still rocking the fierce. Aside: at first it seemed weird to me that David Bowie signed the D of I because he’s totes British but then I remembered that all those dudes were totes British so it all became clear again. Question: when did people stop talking with British accents in the colonies? And why? Climate? The influence of Native American, Carribean and African languages on the British dialect? Magic? I’m just throwing ideas at the wall.

I fell in love with that little bundle of joy the minute I saw her. How could you not?

I suppose I’ve always been obsessed with Angelina Jolie’s kids—all 30 of them—but Lil Z takes the cake. She is ALWAYS posing for the cameras. And she is just so beautiful. I’m concerned that her hair hasn’t grown in 2 years, but then again Halle Berry rocked the modified pageboy cut for most of the 90s so who am I to argue?

I know it makes me sound crazy, but I would really like to meet her, Lil Z, I mean. Halle I could take or leave. We could maybe rock the Chuck E. Cheese, have a tea party and what not, dodge the paparazzi. You know, chill. I told my mother this and her response was perplexing.

Let me backtrack. There is a list of Fierce-Ass Divas that I want to meet. Everyone has one. And by everyone I mean, I don’t care if you have one or not but I do. Patti LaBelle is on the top of that list. After I met Ms. Patti

Let me repeat that sentence fragment on grounds of awesomeness: After I met Ms. Patti, my obsession with meeting everyone on my list went into overdrive. I called my mother and told her about my encounter with the one and only (and about how she swooped me into her arms and we sailed above Philadelphia and the sky turned purple and she kissed me lightly on the nose and was all, “Child, you are my favorite little blumpkin. Woo!”). I told my mother—Dr. T is her name—that I wanted to meet everyone on my list. “I’m going to meet Beyonce this summer when she goes on tour,” I said. “And I want to meet Ms. Julia Roberts, of course. And Zahara Jolie-Pitt.” Dr. T chuckled and said, “Well, you may want to wait til she’s 18 for that. So it will be legal to date her.”

At that I stopped mid-sentence, let the next words drop from my lips and fall to my lap, took the phone away from my ear, looked at it, put Dr. T on hold, called 911 to report a crazy person on the loose, put 911 on hold, called Dominos and ordered a chicken and spinach pizza because I was hungry and feeling vaguely iron-deficient, picked the line with my mother back up and said, “Dr. T, baby, did you take a bong hit?” Your honor, I object. Sustained.

I don’t want to date ZJP. I don’t want anything in that neighborhood. I don’t want anything in that county, actually. I’m not even a citizen of that state. Me and Ziggy Stardust did not sign that particular declaration. I just want to hang out with her. On grounds of awesomeness. This should not be hard to understand. True, she’s an ageless 4 year-old and I’m an ageless 27 year-old but what’s that got to do with the price of tea in China? And what’s love got to do, got to do with it? And what’s the capital of North Dakota? Bismark? And why is it important to know state capitals? Seriously? Why? 3rd and 4th grade social studies are full of such absurd topics. I’m going to tell ZJP that when we hang out. I’m going to say “Listen Z, learn your times tables. It saves about 3.4 hours out of your total life in thinking time and that’s crucial. And memorize the names of all the black presidents of the United States. And learn all of Beyonce’s albums and tour names in chronological order. But when they start talking about state capitals, girl, just take out your lil baby Blackberry and start figuring out what clubs you’re hitting up this weekend. Those are the locations that matter, blumpkin. But state capitals, Lil Z, are for poor people.”

This is my team of
Fierce-Ass Divas Whom I Want To Meet (Varsity and JV Squads):
Ms. Patti LaBelle (Team Captain!)
Zahara Jolie-Pitt
Mariah Carey (suspended on grounds of Nick Cannon)
Julia Roberts
Vanessa Williams
Bette Midler (retired)
Whitney Houston (benched: insanity)
Anne Heche (JV; benched: inanity)
Ugly Betty (JV)
Audra McDonald (JV)
Kristin Chenoweth (JV)
Eva Longoria Parker (JV)
Jennifer Hudson (JV)
Ellen (JV-egan?)
Neil Patrick Harris (FTW!)

1 comment:

  1. Clearly this is my new favorite website. I would say you should add layla dulce clark to your list but you guys are already old friends. She's pretty fierce though.