Scolding the cat, I said "You know better, kitty!" And he looked at me and said, "You know I don't know better. I am a cat. Stop anthropomorphizing me." Then I said, "How do you know the word anthropomorphizing?" And the cat said, "What? I can't read study for the LSATs while you're at work? Jerk."
And then I became that person who thought it would be a really entertaining idea to write a kitteh blog.
So, I've been reading a lot of articles about the dangers of putting personal information on the Internet. You shouldn't put your location on foursquare because thieves will immediately descend on your house and start to rummage through your drawers while you're out; you shouldn't post pictures of yourself doing anything except praying because your employer and the Huffington Post will immediately download them and ruin your life; you shouldn't post your birthdate on Facebook because identity bandits will immediately become you and wreak havoc on your credit.
These are all rather sound suggestions and I would actually follow this advice save for one fact: I have nothing of worth to steal besides my ideas and I'm giving them away for free on this here blog. Too bad, so sad, shady Nigerian princes: my credit is in the toilet. Better luck next time, thieves: all you'll get in my house is a broken DVD player and a whole bunch of really small, too expensive underwear (that I bought on sale, natch).
I wish someone would steal my identity. I'd buy that guy a coffee. With extra soy milk. And then I'd call Citibank Student Loans and be all, "Hey, there's been a change. You'll be wanting to harass this guy from now on. He probably won't be interested in paying you either, though. (Sucks to be you! Man did you miscalculate my future earning potential. Nerds.) Now... perhaps we can talk about a loan for a first time home-owner? I have a new Social Security number and a Facebook page that's so private no one can see it except the President and Oprah."
Anyway, I've got a couple of readings and storytelling extravaganzas coming up that I want to let my stalkers know about. You can come, too...
September 27 - Live at the Kelly Writers House
I'm simply delighted to join other First Person Arts Story Slam winners for this evening of storytelling and spoken word, to be broadcast live on WXPN (88.5 FM). I'll be reading a new essay called "Following the Maps" that I haven't finished writing yet. Erg. Where: On your radio/internet situation!
September 28 - First Person Arts Story Slam: Friends with Benefits I'm the guest storyteller for this slam, always an awesome time! I'm telling a story involving a first crush, lemon squares and Tehran. Where: L'Etage // 6th & Bainbridge // Philadelphia, PA
October 9 - Queer Memoir: Friends, Lovers & Exes
I'll be reading my new essay, "Will You Accept This Friend Request?", which is an expansion of the story I'll be telling at the Slam. Queer Memoir is monthly salon with a whole bunch of exciting New York lgbtq writers, performers, comedians and raconteurs and I'm delighted to be included. Where: Queers for Economic Justice Performance Space // 147 West 24th Street, 4th floor // New York, NY
October 26 - First Person Arts Story Slam: Faking It
I am the guest storyteller again and I am so excited to tell this story, which I'm also developing as a longer essay. It's about the biggest mistake I've ever made. Besides starting a blog and telling the world my every secret. Where: L'Etage // 6th & Bainbridge // Philadelphia, PA
That's about all for the next few weeks. I've been very, very fortunate to get these opportunities and I'm always on the lookout for more. If you know somebody who needs some awkward boy to tell some tale of woe or woo for 5 to 12 minutes, lemme know!
Here's a little story I told last week at the First Person Arts Story Slam for the theme "Bad Company". It's about my experience working at the Columbia Sexual Healthy Education office. I use the phrase dental dam. Twice.