8.06.2011

Three Events THIS WEEK!

Hey-o! I've got three (3!) different events this week and I'd love to see your shining faces (the humidity really is a bear, isn't it?)

MondayStorySlam at World Cafe Live!
Putting my name in the hat to tell a story on the theme "Weird Trips". This new piece features Klingons, lizard copulation, and everyone's favorite parents: mine.

TuesdaySecond Stories Presents: Living at the Movies

Reading a new piece at Jaime Fountaine's monthly series called "La Ti Dah" about my obsession with romantic comedies and my futile quest to stay out of the "friend zone".

Friday-  Camp Tabu X
Doing a set at Alejandro Morales' monthly comedy show along side some very hilarious people, including Ms. Fountaine, again.

5.24.2011

This Blog Will Change Your Life!

My favorite form of procrastination is reading inspirational life-coaching blogs. They're like "You can do it!!" and I'm like "I agree! As soon as I finish obsessively reading your back entries, clicking through the links you conveniently provide, talking to myself encouragingly in the mirror for a few minutes using my toothbrush as a microphone and eating this pint of Ben & Jerry's."

4.16.2011

Briefly: On Being a Groomsman

At the Men's Wearhouse getting suit measurements for my brother's wedding.

I asked the salesman, "Can you add two inches to my pecs? I plan on being jacked by then. Also, it's in September so I'll be really tan. Does that help? Oh, and can you make me taller? The look for fall is statuesque."

The salesman replied, "Please don't be sassy. I have to charge extra for that."

4.10.2011

Upcoming Events!

Friends, stalkers, Guatemalan assassins!

Once again, I've been blessed with a spate of reading, performing and general cavorting opportunities.  Check out the list below:

April 12 Second Stories Presents: My Teenage Rebellion
Quite pleased to be reading for the first time for this monthly series at The Dive, curated by the lovely Jaime Fountaine.  I'm working on a new piece called "Halitosis and, After That, Hell".

April 20 Queer Ignite
Giving a 5-minute, 20-slide PowerPoint talk alongside such inspirational luminaries as Chris Bartlett, Zane Booker and Aaron Stella.  Should be a fantastic evening.  Oh, and if anyone knows what the hell PowerPoint is and how to use it, please let me know.  Thanks.

April 25 - DIVERS Reading
My new comedy, DIVERS, is being given its first workshop reading upstairs at Plays & Players. Details, like time, are still being worked out, but I'm very excited to get some feedback on this piece and hopefully move on to the next phase in its development.

April 26 First Person Arts presents Slam Nation
Extremely excited and honored to be hosting this fantastic event presented by First Person Arts as part of the Philadelphia International Festival of the Arts.  Featuring a stupendous line-up including two-time Moth Grand Slam champion Adam Wade, Elna Baker of This American Life and SMITH magazine contributor Michele Carlo, this evening of storytelling is sure to be amazing.

May 17 Story Lab Course: The Shape of the Story
I'm teaching a fantastic, 5-week storytelling course on content decisions and storytelling structure with First Person Arts.  Enrollment is now open!

4.01.2011

Things I'm Going to Do With All That Money I Won in the Powerball

1) Start a talent agency for dogs that got famous on YouTube. 

2) Do an all-black version of August: Osage County. Starring Tyler Perry. New title: 
Damn! It's Hot!

3) Do an all-white version of The Color Purple. Called beige. Justin Beiber as Harpo. Fergie as Shug. This will not be a musical.

4) Clone myself; send the clone to medical school; ask the clone to tell me if this mole on my arm looks dangerous.  

5) Pay for couples counseling for Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansen because people that beautiful owe the world children.

6) Go to Tiffany's in my pajamas. Buy everything. Like completely shut it down. 

7) Go to Whole Foods. Buy one thing. (Seriously that place is expensive.)

8) Open up a bar called "Drunk People Who Want to Have Sex Relations With You (Yes, You!)"

9) Buy a Hollywood nightclub; deny myself entrance to that nightclub; complain on my blog about how exclusive the nightclub is. 

10) See a therapist. Or buy a puppy. 

11) Or a baby.  Buy a baby.  From the black market.  Like Madonna does.

12) Three words: millions of cupcakes. 

13) Spare no expense to wine and dine Adele and make her fall in love with me.  Then dump her so she writes another amazing album.

14) Three more words: dinosaur themed diner.  Called the Diner-saur.  Right?  Right?!

15) Pay people to walk around behind me and laugh at things I say.  Like the studio audience on The Cosby Show.

16) Become a Republican.

3.17.2011

Mail Troubles

The greatest problem of modern-day America is trashcans that look like mailboxes. 


Dear Citibank,
My student loan payment is going to be late... Again. No, I will not switch to online payment. I paid a whole $7.95 for 1,000 checks with scenes from The King of Queens! What am I supposed to do with them? 


You think I just got money to throw away? Oh, wait...

3.05.2011

You and Your Facebook

I think of myself as a technologically erudite individual. I'm not frightened by words like list-serv, PDF or WAP; I have a Twitter account, a Linkedin profile, even a dormant Friendster account--because I'm retro like that. Nothing, however, makes me feel like more of a troglodyte than spending time with a teenager. Going home for visits means seeing my 15 and 13-year-old cousins, who--powered by a diet of Tootsie Rolls and MAC makeup--are whirling dervishes of electronic activity.  Like Pigpen from the Peanuts comic strip, they are always surrounded by a cloud, although their cloud is made up of misspelled text messages, emo status updates, angry birds and nonsensical tweets.  Sitting next to them at family dinner is like riding shotgun on a spaceship.  If they told me they were telecommuting to an after school job at a FedEx Kinkos from the dining room table I'd have believed them. We have the same phone but I had no idea it was able to do so much ridiculous stuff.  I think it also makes calls. 

Hanging out with my friend Jim, who at 20 is 9 years younger than me, is a similar experience. He is constantly beeping, buzzing, ringing and clanging. When he approaches I always imagine Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins strapped into his one-man-band apparatus. Jim is like that, except all the noise comes from his Blackberry. (I can see Jim rolling his eyes now. Not at the crack about his noisiness but rather about my reference to a movie that doesn't star Britney Spears. "Never heard of it.  Sounds super old. And gay.") 

We're both very active on Facebook but in remarkably different ways. He'll stop mid-sentence, look down at his phone and grimace "Ugh, I have 38 new friend requests."

"Who are they?"

"Idk. Boys."

Jim has 3,000 FB friends. All shirtless boys. He also has about 2,000 photos of himself. All taken on hisMac against the backdrop of his bedroom. I have 600 friends, half of whom i havent talked to since kindergarten in the early 80s.  Most of my status updates are pithy observations about paper jams in the office copier.  Jim's Facebook is not my Facebook

I find myself shaking my head and muttering "You and your Facebook" because somehow this generation gap turns me instantly into my parents. Jim gives me this face: :-/ to which I respond with that smirk of equal parts disapproval and bemusement (disapprusement?) that black ladies with glasses, and elementary school principals seem to have trademarked. 

My mother, lucky for me, is both of these things, so when my phone starts convulsing in the middle of family dinners and I look at it, lol and tap out a response, I invariably look up to see her shaking her head. "You and your facepage," she says.  And suddenly I don't feel so old.