Briefly: On Being a Groomsman

At the Men's Wearhouse getting suit measurements for my brother's wedding.

I asked the salesman, "Can you add two inches to my pecs? I plan on being jacked by then. Also, it's in September so I'll be really tan. Does that help? Oh, and can you make me taller? The look for fall is statuesque."

The salesman replied, "Please don't be sassy. I have to charge extra for that."


Upcoming Events!

Friends, stalkers, Guatemalan assassins!

Once again, I've been blessed with a spate of reading, performing and general cavorting opportunities.  Check out the list below:

April 12 Second Stories Presents: My Teenage Rebellion
Quite pleased to be reading for the first time for this monthly series at The Dive, curated by the lovely Jaime Fountaine.  I'm working on a new piece called "Halitosis and, After That, Hell".

April 20 Queer Ignite
Giving a 5-minute, 20-slide PowerPoint talk alongside such inspirational luminaries as Chris Bartlett, Zane Booker and Aaron Stella.  Should be a fantastic evening.  Oh, and if anyone knows what the hell PowerPoint is and how to use it, please let me know.  Thanks.

April 25 - DIVERS Reading
My new comedy, DIVERS, is being given its first workshop reading upstairs at Plays & Players. Details, like time, are still being worked out, but I'm very excited to get some feedback on this piece and hopefully move on to the next phase in its development.

April 26 First Person Arts presents Slam Nation
Extremely excited and honored to be hosting this fantastic event presented by First Person Arts as part of the Philadelphia International Festival of the Arts.  Featuring a stupendous line-up including two-time Moth Grand Slam champion Adam Wade, Elna Baker of This American Life and SMITH magazine contributor Michele Carlo, this evening of storytelling is sure to be amazing.

May 17 Story Lab Course: The Shape of the Story
I'm teaching a fantastic, 5-week storytelling course on content decisions and storytelling structure with First Person Arts.  Enrollment is now open!


Things I'm Going to Do With All That Money I Won in the Powerball

1) Start a talent agency for dogs that got famous on YouTube. 

2) Do an all-black version of August: Osage County. Starring Tyler Perry. New title: 
Damn! It's Hot!

3) Do an all-white version of The Color Purple. Called beige. Justin Beiber as Harpo. Fergie as Shug. This will not be a musical.

4) Clone myself; send the clone to medical school; ask the clone to tell me if this mole on my arm looks dangerous.  

5) Pay for couples counseling for Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansen because people that beautiful owe the world children.

6) Go to Tiffany's in my pajamas. Buy everything. Like completely shut it down. 

7) Go to Whole Foods. Buy one thing. (Seriously that place is expensive.)

8) Open up a bar called "Drunk People Who Want to Have Sex Relations With You (Yes, You!)"

9) Buy a Hollywood nightclub; deny myself entrance to that nightclub; complain on my blog about how exclusive the nightclub is. 

10) See a therapist. Or buy a puppy. 

11) Or a baby.  Buy a baby.  From the black market.  Like Madonna does.

12) Three words: millions of cupcakes. 

13) Spare no expense to wine and dine Adele and make her fall in love with me.  Then dump her so she writes another amazing album.

14) Three more words: dinosaur themed diner.  Called the Diner-saur.  Right?  Right?!

15) Pay people to walk around behind me and laugh at things I say.  Like the studio audience on The Cosby Show.

16) Become a Republican.